So I decided rather belatedly that I would head out east to the club this weekend. I sent a message to the Joker about going, and she replied that she'd never been, and really wanted to go. I replied that she should come, but asked what her plans were for afterward, since the club is maybe 1.5 hours from her place & I wondered if she'd be able to drive all the way back that night. I offered to let her stay with me if she wanted; I told her that I might not be able to stay at the house I typically did because of the short notice, and that I might be getting a room. I meant it in a friendly way, thinking that it wouldn't be safe to drive so far if she decided to drink. I'm guessing it came across another way, though, as I haven't heard back from her since Friday. I've been debating ever since, on wheter I should write back & ask if I said something wrong, or just ignore her, because she has quite a history of flaking on me. It really has kind of turned me off, and on top of all the other things (and to be honest, although I was very attracted to her physically, the whole time I just kind of had this bad vibe about her, relationship-wise) it's probably best if I just let this crush go.
Part of that reason is because I got a decent boost to my ego at the club Saturday night. For the first hour or so, I didn't see anybody I knew, and it was getting pretty dull. I was actually considering going "home" early. I did finally run into a guy I knew, and he pointed out a group of others I remembered having met once or twice before. I ended up talking with a gal I've known online for some time, but with whom I've never really hung out or had much in the way of conversation. She was very flirty and touchy, and we talked most of the night standing hip to hip, front to front, or in some manner of near-constant physical contact; lots of eye contact, a little innuendo, lots of hugs, etc. We even sat together & held hands for a while. There was a lot of sexual tension, which just made the whole thing fun!
There are good & bad points about this one - on the good (or at least interesting/intriguing) side, she's really into some crazy stuff. She's a Dom (mostly), and is really into the fetish scene. I won't get into the details, but I'll leave it at this; she was talking that night about the black & blue marks she had on her ass from a half-hour "spanking" session she'd done for a show the week before. Sometimes, I really wonder how some people's minds work, you know? What's funny is that she says she doesn't like pain (which led to a lengthy discussion about the differences between pain & "sensations" as she described them) and would never do anything like I've done with hooks & piercings & such!?
Anyway, even though she's really interesting, she has a couple strikes against her on my "long-term-worthy" list... 1) I'm only moderately attracted to her, and that's mostly due to the kinky/taboo nature of her lifestyle - physically, she's not really my type. (although she does have a certain quality facially that I find myself drawn towards). 2) she has three kids. This doesn't mean anything to me at this point, but it does set a mental limit as to how far I'd be willing to let things develop. I don't want kids, mine or anyone else's.
One of the things I find endearing about her though, is something that I'm sure most people would never pick up on. She has this image, this reputation of being dominant, strong, in control. Men fawn over her, suck up to her, want her, and she could care less - they don't challenge her in any way, which helps to enhance this image. She's done live shows & photo shoots where she's whipping/flogging men, being in total control, in charge, (hence, DOM) but I see right through it. It's all a front, a facade she's built to protect her from something she fears. I don't know what that is exactly, but it's so obvious to me that it actually makes me sad. She's obviously hurt(ing) inside from some past relationship(s), and has created this from to keep people at a distance. (I almost typed "men" but remembered that she likes both)
Anyway, I walked her out when the club closed that night & we hung out in the parking lot for a while, talking, hugging, kissing, more hugging. The hugging was the best/worst part - there were glimpses of this fragile, frightened little girl looking for safety that came through every once in a while that made my heart go out to her, more in a fatherly/protector role than anything. I don't think I could pursue a relationship with her, but maybe I met her for some specific reason!? I feel like that's the case, even if I don't know why yet.
It's a bit confusing, really. Still, I had one of the best nights in recent memory, and I'm looking forward to talking with/seeing her again.
Off-topic, I'm looking at houses tonight. I really hope that the 2nd house on the list turns out as I expect - I'm almost positive the first one's out already, and I don't really remember the third. I'll post about them later!
*waves*
1:57 p.m. - 2009-07-27
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