You know what I wonder? Is it a guy thing, or is it just me - I can talk myself into, or out of, wanting someone so easily. For example, this morning, I woke up not caring if anything happens with the Joker. It just didn't seem that big of a deal. I was fully ready to ignore it, until - guess what? Remember how I said I wasn't going to say anything again until I heard from her? Well, this morning I found a note on my facespace page from her, saying (paraphrased) "thanks for coming all the way out here AND for taking me for a ride! let's JAM soon!" - bunch of exclamation points after the word "ride", too - word jam in capital letters!? WTF?? lol My mind wants to read much more into it than I think there really is.
I think the reason this is so appealing to me, is the fact that she's already posted that she doesn't want a relationship, but is open to a physical one. Right up my alley, so to speak! I mean, it would be perfect for me to have someone with whom I could be intimate, and with whom I get along well, who likes to ride, etc, but doesn't want to become attached. That's one of my fears with dating - and believe me, I'm in no way trying to brag by saying this, but it seems that every time I start seeing someone, they fall pretty hard for me (at least if it goes past a few dates). This really bothers me, and makes me not want to date - I'm looking for someone very specific, and although I'm wide-open to the many possible combinations of traits in which I'm interested, I usually know right away when something's not going to work. In fact, the last few women I've dated, I knew right off that they wouldn't be long-term, but I chose to pursue the relationships anyway, rather than spend my time alone, and lamenting that fact. I found that not to be the wisest of choices, and now I'm hesitant to date again, unless she's "perfect". In this case, however, none of that's an issue - it's right up front that a long-term relationship is out of the question, so that takes all the pressure off. Of course, I kind of thought that about the last ones, too, and was obviously wrong about them.
On an entirely different topic, I had the most interesting pre-dream sequence last night, as I was falling asleep. I'd closed up the windows before bed, because it was supposed to be cold overnight, and turned on a little air purifier for some background noise. I always start out the night lying flat on my back, waiting to become tired enough to roll on my side & sleep. For some reason, I had a desire to travel last night, and in my mind, I was flying around the sky in my area. At some point, I remembered that I knew someone who lived in Britain (my welsh buddy), and I decided to "fly" across the Atlantic to visit. Now, I've never had a true out-of-body experience - every time I get close, my body freaks out & snaps back to reality. It's almost like a safety mechanism, like my body is trying to prevent my soul from escaping and becoming lost, never to return from its trip. So anyway, I'm lying there, imagining my flight across the ocean, and my legs start to really become light. I can feel them, calves first, lifting off the bed, and then the rest of my body starting to follow. My head/shoulders stayed on my pillow, but the more I felt like I was floating away, the more I could feel the wind blowing in from my open window. The sheets, my blanket, started to flutter, and the wind picked up. I distinctly remember thinking that the wind was going to blow me away. It really started to pick up force, and in a few minutes, it literally felt like I was in a tornado - the sheets were flapping so hard I thought they'd rip, my legs hanging a few inches above the bed. I remember thinking two things - 1) why is my cat not freaking out about all this wind? and 2) I really need to get up & close my windows before it rains.
It was just after I thought this, that things returned to normal, the wind subsided, my legs were back on the bed, and my cat was right next to me. I actually looked over to doublecheck my windows, to make sure they were closed. They were, and I was so excited about the whole thing, I lay back down to try and recreate it. I did manage to get the "levitation" feeling back for a few minutes, but no wind. The interesting thing though, was that last night, I didn't sleep much. I think I dreamt the entire night - I woke up halfway through the night, in the middle of a very real dream (of which now I have no memory), went to the bathroom, and returned to the dream, to pick up where I left off. I awoke this morning, tired as hell, and still dreaming, although I'd moved on to a different subject.
All this has made me wonder about something... I've had trouble sleeping for ages; I wake up very easily, and it's very hard to shut my mind off most every night. I know that in order to get recuperative sleep, one must get beyond the REM stages, into deep sleep. I'm a lucid dreamer - I can actively change/affect my dreams, in any way I choose, and if I don't like something, I'll go back and "redo" a particular event until I get the result I want. I've been doing this for years. So what I wonder is, is my lucid dreaming preventing me from sleeping well? Am I spending so much mental energy on dreaming, that I'm not getting any true rest? I think I might talk to my doctor about getting into a sleep study (obviously, I'm not going to tell him about the whole dreaming issue). I'll just tell him that I sleep really lightly, and wake up several times a night, and have for years, then ask him if he thinks a study would be of any use.
I really love dreaming - for me, it's like being in a movie that you can control. Stunts, danger, love interests, intrigue, suspending the laws of time & space... And even though I know my "travel" last night wasn't a dream exactly (as I hadn't fallen asleep yet) it was one of the most interesting things that's happened to me in recent memory. I can still see/feel the sheets snapping and cracking in the wind, my hair being tossed all over, my body lifting up... I really wish I could finally let myself go, so I could travel. I can feel my body leaving, but I'm always anchored by my head/brain. For some reason, I just can't let that portion of myself "escape".
Wow, I really sound like a crackpot, don't I?! lol
11:27 a.m. - 2009-07-07
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