So we got done with the ride & back to her place, and after meeting her family, we all just sat around & smoked a bit. I'm not a smoker, and it had been months since the last time, and I was surprised at just how much it affected me! After that, we pretty much just wandered around the property & hung out on the bank of the pond. We found a nice little patch of ground in the last bright light of the setting sun & sat, sometimes skipping stones, sometimes lobbing big rocks & small pebbles, & just generally relaxing. I was pretty out of it & felt a little awkward, honestly, because I had these conflicting internal thoughts. Part of me really wanted to take her in my arms & kiss her, & part of me knew that was probably a bad idea.
You see, I have conflicting feelings about her, for a few good reasons... On the plus side, I find her very attractive, all-around - facially, physically, height, build. She's really laid-back, she's got a great style (kind of like one of my ex's, GRJ) tough-looking but cute, a bit vulnerable, tattoos, etc. She actually reminds me of GRJ quite a bit, now that I think about it, although she's much (years) younger. I caught myself, more than a few times, wondering what she looked like naked, imagining it. I'm such a pig!! lol What was more interesting, I thought, was the fact that I found myself wondering how she kissed, much more often. She's got great lips, very full, very kissable.
On the downside, however, are a few big things with which I might have issues... 1) She lives hours away, driveable in a day, but after a while, lots of weekend driving gets to be a hassle. 2) She smokes, a lot. And she *smokes* a lot. 3) She has a job, but it's not much, and not enough to pay her own bills, in her own place. 4) she's technically not single yet - she's married, but separated, living (several cities) apart, but she hasn't finished filing the paperwork yet. We talked a bit about it, and even though she knows she doesn't want to go back, she still has flashes of wanting to. I think that's why she hasn't filed yet - it's a big step, very final, and I don't think she's mentally ready for it yet. 5) She doesn't have the best family background, bad history with them, (not speaking to her father anymore, etc) and to be honest, they're pretty (for lack of a better term) "redneck" - country folk, I guess, but pretty trashy, I've found that family history, upbringing, and background really can influence things. Generally speaking, it's not the ideal family situation I'd look for, if I had my druthers...
So at this point, I'm thinking I should just play things cool & not pursue anything. I'd love to see her casually, kind of like we've done so far - getting together, riding out, hanging out (and to be honest, I'd love for it to get physical - yeah, pig, i know...) but I don't really think I'd want a serious relationship with her. Of course, I don't know that, so I'll have to see how things play out. I mean, it couldn't be too serious, living hours apart, right? Logically, if we dated, we'd probably stay open to dating others, because I don't want a commitment, and she's just getting out of one anyway...
Still... i wonder what she looks like naked?! lol *grin*
11:10 a.m. - 2009-06-23
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