1) Didn't write the text. Decided I'm going to wait until that night, and decide if I want to send a "best of luck" text then, when it's too late to be invited. I don't really want to reconnect, I just want her to know there's no hard feelings.
2) Starting Thursday, this weekend has been nothing but a disappointment. There's been absolutely nothing wrong with any of it, and it's been good to see people I rarely ever do, but for me, it's been nothing but a series of letdowns. Seeing two particular women and talking with them has reminded me just how empty my life is, and how the little mental games I've been playing on myself to try to stay happy have been pointless. Of course, they have no idea of any of this, as I keep everything to myself, with very good reason. Both are taken, and up 'til now, (as unrealistic as it was) I at least had the luxury of imagining/fantasizing that maybe at some point we might be together, but now, I don't even have that thin thread to cling to. One is pregnant, and the other is trying.
I mean, that's great for them, and I'm happy for them, but it makes me feel like there's something majorly wrong with me. I don't know why I don't want a family, don't want to raise kids, but the more people I see and I know who are doing so, the more out-of-place I feel, the more alone I feel. I can't imagine doing so, especially now, yet I'm starting to have trouble imagining what my life will be like in 20 years, when I'm still alone and childless. (and yes, I realize the "alone" part is a big assumption, but it's based on a consistent past, and a lack of apparent ability to do anything about it.) It all just feels really hopeless.
I'm supposed to work out tonight, but I just don't feel up to it. Is it too early to go out? I need a drink...
(yeah, ok, I don't *need* one, but damnit, I can't take sitting in this house all alone again tonight.)
7:59 p.m. - 2009-05-17
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