I'm feeling very conflicted tonight.
I got a text from DJ, the singer/songwriter, yesterday, asking if I was up for a hike. It's been months, so I was glad to hear from him. We made arrangements to go today. It was good to catch up with him, but, I'm also a bit annoyed at him. Want to hazard a guess as to why he contacted me? He needed to get out of the house, because he just broke up with his g/f this past week, with whom he has a long, complex/drama-filled history.
Part of me is glad he felt comfortable/safe enough to contact me, and open up to me about how he's feeling. It feels like this aligns with my perceived 'purpose' for still being here in this life; I'm meant to help people through difficult times, because (I think?) I'm fairly good at it. I'm grateful that anyone considers me a good enough friend to confide in me about personal troubles. It make me feel useful, worthwhile.
On the other hand, part of me is thinking "Eff this guy!" He didn't contact me once during the several months he was seeing her, but now that he's miserable and alone, he reaches out to me? And not specifically him, but why is it that of all the people I know, nobody bothers to contact me until/unless things are shitty in their life? How about sharing some of the happy/good times with me? How about actually giving a shit about me when things are going well? Or for that matter, actually listening to me when I'm down?
I'm kind of at the point where I just want to tell *everyone* to go to hell. I'm not your damn therapist, I'm supposed to be a friend. Then again, I'm not actually a friend, because friends communicate with each other more often than once or twice a year - those are acquaintances, not friends. On the other hand, nobody turns to an acquaintance when they're truly having a hard time, do they?
I really don't know what to think or do about this. I just know that overall, it makes me fucking sad.
6:55 p.m. - 2023-01-21
Recent entries:
Snapshot - 2023-02-09
Big personal step. - 2023-02-04
Silly issue. - 2023-02-02
Internalizing envy. - 2023-01-27
Exchange Student. - 2023-01-26
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